Ok, so I hate to bring up drama on my blog, but I have to rant about this, I have to. A while ago, when the Jack/me drama was still brewing, a supposed friend of mine started doing things supposedly on my behalf that I knew nothing about. She made a fake account and started spying on rooms, etc and when confronted, she said she was doing it for me. (I personally think she was doing it for her own sick amusement.) I don't like dishonesty, regardless if its in my honor or not.
So to clear up the matter, I posted a small comment saying that I did not know about, nor did I agree with her actions. After I posted my discontent, which made no insult nor further judgement past my disavowment, I was blocked from her page, her myspace page and told in so many words that I was not a very nice person because I didn't stick up for her.
I dismissed this as emotional nonsense. She had been outed matter-of-factly as a drama queen and I wasn't going to be her pity party. I did consider her a friend, and defended my actions saying, friends agree to disagree sometimes and a true friend would understand that. She wouldn't have it. This was November, I believe.
I thought that was the end of it until January 10th. I got a message on stickam from a meme20000 (acct had only been open one day prior). The account also had no pics, no blogs, no names attached to it. In short, this is what we usually refer to as a sock acct.
Meme20000 told me that my supposed friend had been so sick about all the things I said about her that she died. She DIED. Now, I know that this person had their share of medical problems, but they weren't near death.
So I wrote back, explained that I didn't believe that she was dead and that this was probably a ruse. I also said, I never talked bad about her, I just disagreed.
So this person wrote back again yesterday, claiming that I basically caused her death and she "hoped I was happy with myself." (I should mention, my ex friend was notorious for bad spelling and grammar and this person was making the same exact mistakes.)
So I messaged back after checking with some things. I checked the obits from the month of January. No luck. I googled her name, no luck. I checked her MySpace page-She logged in two fucking days ago. Caught in the act, Mary.
I personally am outraged. I never did anything except disagree with this person and now they are so fucked in the head they are going to try to fake their own death to upset me? What the fuck!!!
You have to understand, I took this girl under my wing. She had less than a high school education and not a very high comprehension rate. I gave her space for her path to grow and for her to learn more about Wicca. I gave her private lessons-something I've never done before.
I feel betrayed. And shocked that someone would lie about something so serious.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Hate Speech
Recently, I did a couple of videos on hate speech. Mainly I spoke about how what we say affects those who respect us and we have authority over.
I thought about the kids in Muslim countries who grow up learning that Jews are akin to goats or dogs. Also, how many American parents refer to Muslims with racial epithets to their kids. How those words affect those they are in charge of can be devastating not just to the child, but to a nation.
Do our words have power? Of course they do, but to what extent does our verbal energy affect others? This is where it gets tricky.
I believe whole heartedly in free speech. I think it's not the government's job to be thought police or censor our speech. But the implications of speech by authority is a different issue.
I suggest a two fold path. #1 I think that if a person of authority abuses their power by using hate speech to manipulate their charges to do violence or extreme prejudice, that they should be considered conspirators in such an act. Some anger at the concept of prosecuting someone for speech, but this is already being done by our government. Inciting violence is a crime and one that should be taken seriously. This type of hate speech destroys lives and enslaves nations.
#2 I think that we should practice social responsibility. As a people, as we look down on hate crimes, we should also look down on hate speech. It should not be excused for religious reasons to hate others. Those who profess religious reasons for hate or discrimination should be scrutinized not because they are religious but because they excuse bigotry in that fashion.
#3 We need to tread carefully. Think not of a joke meant in good humor as something to be prosecuted or persecuted. Allow people to freely criticize ideas, religious or otherwise. Ideas have no feelings, no emotions and most importantly, do not bleed. You cannot gouge out the eyes of an idea.
I thought about the kids in Muslim countries who grow up learning that Jews are akin to goats or dogs. Also, how many American parents refer to Muslims with racial epithets to their kids. How those words affect those they are in charge of can be devastating not just to the child, but to a nation.
Do our words have power? Of course they do, but to what extent does our verbal energy affect others? This is where it gets tricky.
I believe whole heartedly in free speech. I think it's not the government's job to be thought police or censor our speech. But the implications of speech by authority is a different issue.
I suggest a two fold path. #1 I think that if a person of authority abuses their power by using hate speech to manipulate their charges to do violence or extreme prejudice, that they should be considered conspirators in such an act. Some anger at the concept of prosecuting someone for speech, but this is already being done by our government. Inciting violence is a crime and one that should be taken seriously. This type of hate speech destroys lives and enslaves nations.
#2 I think that we should practice social responsibility. As a people, as we look down on hate crimes, we should also look down on hate speech. It should not be excused for religious reasons to hate others. Those who profess religious reasons for hate or discrimination should be scrutinized not because they are religious but because they excuse bigotry in that fashion.
#3 We need to tread carefully. Think not of a joke meant in good humor as something to be prosecuted or persecuted. Allow people to freely criticize ideas, religious or otherwise. Ideas have no feelings, no emotions and most importantly, do not bleed. You cannot gouge out the eyes of an idea.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Frustration and Thoughts about the Future
So I've pretty much resigned to the fact that I am a target. I have worked hard to make my channel what it is today. I consider it to be a "child" if you will that I have put time, energy and much thought into.
What's so ironic is that I am a target partially of my own design. As the popular outspoken, somewhat brazen, Wiccan chick. I've garnered praise and ridicule-admiration and accusation-validationa and dismissal. I've taken to heart that I don't judge any group by the actions of a few of their members.
My words can be harsh sometimes, and I believe in energy for energy. Something that many in the Wiccan community would see me burned for. Their frustration with me mirrors my frustration with many of them. But I haven't given up on them. They may be new, largely fluffy, fantastical "Charmed Ones" but even the greatest of people started from meager beginnings. I look towards those who have crossed through the threshhold of fantasy to realism in religion to lead the way. Amber-I meant it when I said I'd buy you a beer. Spyke-I don't just buy a website for anyone. George-Keep it real. Cody and Laura-You're a force to be reckoned with. With you guys, I know the Wiccan community will still have a lighthouse, a compass, a Polaris and guides. Don't let me down.
But what scares me the most isn't the hate I receive, but my ability and the ability of my community to deal with it. When is too far too far? When have we only muddied ourselves while pointing fingers at the dirty?
I will probably lose my account here in the next few days. I've kind of accepted that fact. I've been told by several that they are gunning for me. And while my melodramatic alliterations are no doubt read with mixed emotions, so is the feeling in my heart while writing this.
As Nathan suggests that his God is with him, I assert the same thing. I take the spirit of the divine with me and ask for strength in what ever comes.
You will never know how much in the past years, YouTube has changed me. When I arrived on the scene, I was still wet behind the ears, looking for a place to muse my philosophical ramblings. It became clear from day one, I was fighting an uphill battle just for respect both outside and inside the Pagan community. That changed me.
I've also met some amazing people along the way. Some were fast friends like Tannhaus, Spyke, Seamus, Bertles, Laura and Cody.
Some started out as bitter enemies like Jack, Venus, Meaghan, Care and Paul.
With even more I share a long and jagged relationship which, if they had a machine to measure it, might look like a seismograph with it's needle flailing back and forth as if convulsing. Those are the relationships that we might call schizophrenic and in need of shock therapy.
And shock therapy is sometimes what it took to bring old foes together in the spirit of more than common interest, but earned respect. We fought through ShamanShadow and then dissinigrated. We mourned with the loss of one of our own-Meaghan. She is not here, but I still see her spirit when I look into the eyes of her darling children. And we've shared the experiences that old friends share and tell stories about.
Many relationships like the legendary love of Laura and Cody and the soon-to-be-legendary Spyke and Coty. Love is a force more powerful than hate, than intelligence, than wit, than popularity. Love binds you heart and soul and is something lasting and real. It transcends distance and physicality. It makes you more than what you were. Goddess bless you all.
You have all changed me. If anything, I can look back and know that my love for you and this community has changed me for the better. I am more than what I was because of you.
Blessed Be
What's so ironic is that I am a target partially of my own design. As the popular outspoken, somewhat brazen, Wiccan chick. I've garnered praise and ridicule-admiration and accusation-validationa and dismissal. I've taken to heart that I don't judge any group by the actions of a few of their members.
My words can be harsh sometimes, and I believe in energy for energy. Something that many in the Wiccan community would see me burned for. Their frustration with me mirrors my frustration with many of them. But I haven't given up on them. They may be new, largely fluffy, fantastical "Charmed Ones" but even the greatest of people started from meager beginnings. I look towards those who have crossed through the threshhold of fantasy to realism in religion to lead the way. Amber-I meant it when I said I'd buy you a beer. Spyke-I don't just buy a website for anyone. George-Keep it real. Cody and Laura-You're a force to be reckoned with. With you guys, I know the Wiccan community will still have a lighthouse, a compass, a Polaris and guides. Don't let me down.
But what scares me the most isn't the hate I receive, but my ability and the ability of my community to deal with it. When is too far too far? When have we only muddied ourselves while pointing fingers at the dirty?
I will probably lose my account here in the next few days. I've kind of accepted that fact. I've been told by several that they are gunning for me. And while my melodramatic alliterations are no doubt read with mixed emotions, so is the feeling in my heart while writing this.
As Nathan suggests that his God is with him, I assert the same thing. I take the spirit of the divine with me and ask for strength in what ever comes.
You will never know how much in the past years, YouTube has changed me. When I arrived on the scene, I was still wet behind the ears, looking for a place to muse my philosophical ramblings. It became clear from day one, I was fighting an uphill battle just for respect both outside and inside the Pagan community. That changed me.
I've also met some amazing people along the way. Some were fast friends like Tannhaus, Spyke, Seamus, Bertles, Laura and Cody.
Some started out as bitter enemies like Jack, Venus, Meaghan, Care and Paul.
With even more I share a long and jagged relationship which, if they had a machine to measure it, might look like a seismograph with it's needle flailing back and forth as if convulsing. Those are the relationships that we might call schizophrenic and in need of shock therapy.
And shock therapy is sometimes what it took to bring old foes together in the spirit of more than common interest, but earned respect. We fought through ShamanShadow and then dissinigrated. We mourned with the loss of one of our own-Meaghan. She is not here, but I still see her spirit when I look into the eyes of her darling children. And we've shared the experiences that old friends share and tell stories about.
Many relationships like the legendary love of Laura and Cody and the soon-to-be-legendary Spyke and Coty. Love is a force more powerful than hate, than intelligence, than wit, than popularity. Love binds you heart and soul and is something lasting and real. It transcends distance and physicality. It makes you more than what you were. Goddess bless you all.
You have all changed me. If anything, I can look back and know that my love for you and this community has changed me for the better. I am more than what I was because of you.
Blessed Be
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Fear and Loathing on You Tube
Today, a dear friend and someone I have an immense amount of respect for, was suspended from You Tube. Tannhaus' videos inspired me. While I tend to be a hot head, overly emotional or cold as ice, Tannhaus has been a voice of wisdom and reason when I could not be.
My emotions are running high right now. I feel like there is a current of energy flowing through me charged with all these different emotions that want to turn into actions. Unfilled potential ready to charge.
When Tannhaus first told me, I was shocked. I thought there had to be some mistake and surely You Tube would correct it. But then I remembered all the other friends You Tube had cast away so easily as if they were scraps of paper being swept off a floor.
This made me sad. I felt bad for Tannhaus, who put so much effort into his videos and his ministry. I knew he took his videos just as seriously, if not more seriously than I. He did not deserve this. He deserved respect.
This made me angry. I started to think about Nathan and all the Christians I've known in my lifetime who treat us like dirt. They hide behind their religion to justify their hatred and bigoted actions. As if a Bronze Age book in any logical society should hold weight over human compassion. But it does.
A few days ago I watched the documentary The Times of Harvey Milk. In this documentary, a man of honor and character was ripped from the people who depended on him by an angry man. An angry man who used the "Twinkie Defense" to justify his hatred by exploiting his religious beliefs.
I think it's despicable that someone would justify the denigration of another person, or group of people by using their religious beliefs. These are the people who cause genecide. These are the people who will destroy all that there is.
Forgetting my contempt for Christianity and it's tolerance of intolerance for a minute, I feel that regardless of religion, there are people who feel superior to others. The religion they use, regardless of which it is, is simply a tool they use to inflict hatred on others.
I am still dwelling in anger at the injustice of it all. But I also feel fear. I fear that I will be next. If they can remove Tannhaus, there's not much to stop them from removing me as well.
All these emotions are causing me to act. Act on my fears and anger. But I will not lash out irrationally. I will do what I should have done a long time ago. I will beseach the Gods. Want to join me?
My emotions are running high right now. I feel like there is a current of energy flowing through me charged with all these different emotions that want to turn into actions. Unfilled potential ready to charge.
When Tannhaus first told me, I was shocked. I thought there had to be some mistake and surely You Tube would correct it. But then I remembered all the other friends You Tube had cast away so easily as if they were scraps of paper being swept off a floor.
This made me sad. I felt bad for Tannhaus, who put so much effort into his videos and his ministry. I knew he took his videos just as seriously, if not more seriously than I. He did not deserve this. He deserved respect.
This made me angry. I started to think about Nathan and all the Christians I've known in my lifetime who treat us like dirt. They hide behind their religion to justify their hatred and bigoted actions. As if a Bronze Age book in any logical society should hold weight over human compassion. But it does.
A few days ago I watched the documentary The Times of Harvey Milk. In this documentary, a man of honor and character was ripped from the people who depended on him by an angry man. An angry man who used the "Twinkie Defense" to justify his hatred by exploiting his religious beliefs.
I think it's despicable that someone would justify the denigration of another person, or group of people by using their religious beliefs. These are the people who cause genecide. These are the people who will destroy all that there is.
Forgetting my contempt for Christianity and it's tolerance of intolerance for a minute, I feel that regardless of religion, there are people who feel superior to others. The religion they use, regardless of which it is, is simply a tool they use to inflict hatred on others.
I am still dwelling in anger at the injustice of it all. But I also feel fear. I fear that I will be next. If they can remove Tannhaus, there's not much to stop them from removing me as well.
All these emotions are causing me to act. Act on my fears and anger. But I will not lash out irrationally. I will do what I should have done a long time ago. I will beseach the Gods. Want to join me?
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Crisis of Faith
So it occured to me that I need to be less of an organizer and more of a spiritualist. So I set out in the large city of Chicago to find a coven.
I started by organizing my thoughts. What was I looking for when looking for a coven? I fell that my list should reflect my personal beliefs and because I take my beliefs seriously, I should look for a coven that fits ALL of my requirements. Here's my list:
1) Balanced Duality-I wasn't looking for Goddess centered religion-I never have. I always felt, regardless of how suppressed women were and still are in our culture, delving only into women's mysteries is only half the picture. We as humans have both positive and negative, male and female energies within us. After all, we both have a mother and a father (no clones as of yet). Therefore, we should honor both male and female. So out went covens like (Fellowship of Isis, Covenant of the Goddess, and so forth and so on.)
2) Structured, but not restrictive-I don't want some pompous ass who thinks he/she's all that telling me how to walk my path from the beginning. I already have a path and I'm fine with it. I simply want company. I want a circle of people who will invite me as an equal, not a peon. (So out went a bunch of other covens whom I won't mention. Let's just say I've met their HPS and said "Hel no!")
3) Tolerant and Open-Minded: No BTW covens and no racism, sexism or any other bullshit. BTW covens largely have their heads up their asses still following Gardner's debunked Murray info and not jumping into the modern age of healthy Wiccan eclecticism. Can you believe there are covens that both exclude women and exclude homosexuals. My gay friends are some of the most spiritual people I've ever met. I'd never dream of kicking them out. (Out went all the covens that would hate my guts.)
4) No exhuberant dues-I'm all for helping out with costs, but I'm not paying for someone else to not have a job. Yes, running a coven is work, and if the coven is big enough, a small stipend from everyone should pay for the HP/HPS to do their duty full time. If they charge an arm and a leg, I think it's more of a scam than a coven.
5) No Fluffy Bunniness-No people claiming they can shoot fireballs. No John Edwards "Crossing Over" bullshit. None of that. I believe in critical thinking. If people are more emotional that intelligible, it's just a game to them and I won't be a part of making a mockery of the divine. (So some of the more prominent covens, which will also remain nameless, are off the list.)
So I don't think this list was too much to ask for. But yet, I am now covenless. I systematically ruled out EVERY coven in the Chicagoland area.
So what am I left with? It kind of reminds me of that Neil Diamond song "Solitary Man," except instead of Man, it should say Wiccan. But I want community so bad. I want other Wiccans who not necessarily think like me, but think for themselves!
Uggh, so I'm stuck having to form my own. Something I did not want to do. I wanted to go through the process. I wanted to grow with an established group. I still feel that I'm Wiccan, but just saddened at the state of distress my religion is in.
I started by organizing my thoughts. What was I looking for when looking for a coven? I fell that my list should reflect my personal beliefs and because I take my beliefs seriously, I should look for a coven that fits ALL of my requirements. Here's my list:
1) Balanced Duality-I wasn't looking for Goddess centered religion-I never have. I always felt, regardless of how suppressed women were and still are in our culture, delving only into women's mysteries is only half the picture. We as humans have both positive and negative, male and female energies within us. After all, we both have a mother and a father (no clones as of yet). Therefore, we should honor both male and female. So out went covens like (Fellowship of Isis, Covenant of the Goddess, and so forth and so on.)
2) Structured, but not restrictive-I don't want some pompous ass who thinks he/she's all that telling me how to walk my path from the beginning. I already have a path and I'm fine with it. I simply want company. I want a circle of people who will invite me as an equal, not a peon. (So out went a bunch of other covens whom I won't mention. Let's just say I've met their HPS and said "Hel no!")
3) Tolerant and Open-Minded: No BTW covens and no racism, sexism or any other bullshit. BTW covens largely have their heads up their asses still following Gardner's debunked Murray info and not jumping into the modern age of healthy Wiccan eclecticism. Can you believe there are covens that both exclude women and exclude homosexuals. My gay friends are some of the most spiritual people I've ever met. I'd never dream of kicking them out. (Out went all the covens that would hate my guts.)
4) No exhuberant dues-I'm all for helping out with costs, but I'm not paying for someone else to not have a job. Yes, running a coven is work, and if the coven is big enough, a small stipend from everyone should pay for the HP/HPS to do their duty full time. If they charge an arm and a leg, I think it's more of a scam than a coven.
5) No Fluffy Bunniness-No people claiming they can shoot fireballs. No John Edwards "Crossing Over" bullshit. None of that. I believe in critical thinking. If people are more emotional that intelligible, it's just a game to them and I won't be a part of making a mockery of the divine. (So some of the more prominent covens, which will also remain nameless, are off the list.)
So I don't think this list was too much to ask for. But yet, I am now covenless. I systematically ruled out EVERY coven in the Chicagoland area.
So what am I left with? It kind of reminds me of that Neil Diamond song "Solitary Man," except instead of Man, it should say Wiccan. But I want community so bad. I want other Wiccans who not necessarily think like me, but think for themselves!
Uggh, so I'm stuck having to form my own. Something I did not want to do. I wanted to go through the process. I wanted to grow with an established group. I still feel that I'm Wiccan, but just saddened at the state of distress my religion is in.
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